"An Early Passage of A Film Student"

    

 

“Sanity is a cozy lie.” - Susan Sontag. 

    Two years of just watching films and reading books changed my heart to be a storyteller, a reader of life, days like water melodic streams on the sun burnt desert ground in my farm, in my home village, fear of losing myself, a dream haunts me every moment, got rejected by many circumstances, films, music and literature saved me; of course, life saves life itself. 

    Making mistakes purloins me from morals and ethics of  here but that's what I do every moment, every hour: I made hard efforts to sharpen my voice of words and the way of reading everyday imagination. My love for stories began around my first night encounter with a monk who came to our home village to do a spiritual part in a annual religious function, where as a boy I heard many stories and kept doing same for years. 

    Several Years, Growing up in desert farm homes and seeing working class contexts engulfed me into a self formation of playing with vivid realities of life at ground and shaped my innermost feelings of innocence, sadness, harsh happy moods, I saw my father  working as labor in a lime stone site for years after losing his own business as miner, a career of almost fifteen years. I, a loner boy, a first boy in surrounding felt a freedom of doing and reading what I want without any force and instruction, a father is a great man in this world and he is the most beautiful soul who gives a liberal thought to his son. There was no electricity facility at home. Boys of my age grew up in kerosene lights and smelled the aroma of kerosene lights and dreamed, read the life with books, with yellow light reflected on blue stone walls of home rooms. Radio came to us, brought music in our life. Film music embraced our life, Old melodies, New Songs around 2006. Rest is the a long journey of nights, of being crazed into Hindi Film Music. A larger image was seen and imaged through film songs, Come on, Fantasy and magic of film songs kept me forgetting, a long love for film music sparkled innocence and a sensible world inside my head was reverberating the life air, breathing music notes without their awareness resonated me one instance I can recall, I tore pages after pages of school notebooks while listening songs of Kishor Da, Lata Di, Rafi Da, for hours redden into vocal amusement. Craze was inborn, while film songs were double craze. a double dozed butterfly effect, a saunter into playground girls' row, this much was the emotional connotation in  days and it led myself having a thesaurus of  Film Songs, continued up to its own circular extend sunk into time. 

    'Grains of desert sand filled our life every moment, my "I" is a huge eye. It is a life of whole life. An Embrace of all men from turban men to veiled ladies and also teenagers and youth of "I" life' a monk said in his monologue oration while telling a spiritual story. 

    My trouble started around fifth class time, I saw a film.

    It was an evening time and my grandfather asked me to bring smoking thing for him from A road side Hotel on the national highway few meters far from our farm house. I walked there, there was TV, I was late, I could only watch half part of film, I was late and frightened by my insight, finally villain was killed by Hero in the ending of the film. Grandfather didn't wait, he arrived at hotel, he also started watching the film, I didn't see him. Then he said those were our days, when films were this much intense, he told me the name of actor and that was a start, next days, I started to go at evening before time. and kept watching films after films.

    Please wait, of taking action wasn't easy enough to get into visual story world, many evenings I suffered a lot from headache after watching films on the same hotel TV. After all, it was an addiction and I kept suffering and getting pleasured by films after films. Most the time, action drama was a great choice to watch. The 'thriller' I figured out later while my higher studies. Innermost I was a directionless boy among the school, family backgrounds and in the whole village; there was a void that was only visible in my head.

    An inner silence can corrupt you, later years there was boring phase, movies slightly became a kind of fairy tales, an impossible voyage of mental troubles, in paradoxical way, it was time when I worked as labor with father and other workers, we used to talk on film Hero mostly and that was time when films meant meaningful, a lifelike playground. A Search for background of films, one day I went on a seventy five kilometers journey to get film magazines but I failed to get one. 

         

       A Disappointed Life.....

    I started drinking same time, I started to go Film Theatres to watch new released films, not in village, in the city. Films kept me being intoxicating in a slower and slower way, when I learnt to smoke and drinking together and life was taking an escape throughout years. When you are crazy enough to absorb yourself into cinema, you failed to realize when to drink or when to watch a film or when to smoke. 

    Films taught meanings to be a smoker of literature, you don't realize when you started to read fiction novels and short stories while ignoring your text books and failing to get good manner grades. NO regret, films became one concern; there was no much difference between fiction and realities, and... a wake up into films. Soundless and non injected to something unexplored yet. 

“The life of the creative man is lead, directed and controlled by boredom.” 

- Susan Sontag.

                                      

                                         ******